Review by Paul Cote

Rating: *** 1/2

In my 2007 review for Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter, I posed what I thought was a rather straightforward question: “What could be more bad-ass than a guy who goes out of his way to hunt vampires, right?” At the time, I assumed that the obvious answer was: “Nothing – nothing could be more bad-ass than a guy who goes out of his way to hunt vampires, right!” Yet a new film that refers to itself as Lesbian Vampire Hunters potentially offers an even better answer: “Wrong! SEVERAL guys who go out of their way to hunt LESBIAN vampires could be more bad-ass!” Now I haven’t seen the film, so I can’t promise that it lives up to its promise, and quite frankly, I’m not sure how much I can get behind the idea of hunting lesbian vampires (I mean, normal vampires are douchebags, but lesbian vampires? I say let them be!). But that’s beside the point, because this review isn’t about lesbian vampires. Oh, I wish it were about lesbian vampires – I wish every review were about lesbian vampires – but it’s not about lesbian vampires; it’s about Debbie Wiseman’s score for Lesbian Vampire Hunters. Which, regardless of any preconceived notions you may get from the title, is an extremely classy and old-fashioned orchestral romp.

I think at some point I gushed here about her wonderfully gothic score to Arsene Lupin, and Lesbian Vampire Hunters is certainly cut from the same cloth – whatever the campy nature of the film itself, Wiseman goes for a straight-faced full-bodied gothic orchestral approach, one that we rarely see in straight horror movies anymore, let alone campy low-budget horror comedies. Oh make no mistake; the music is never overwhelmingly dark or terrifying. No, it’s the sort melodic and over-the-top horror music that entices you with the promise that the thrill-ride will be fun enough to make up for the scares. The music ranges from seductive suggestion (“Centuries ago…”), sprightly comedy (“My aXe Girlfriend”), balls-to-the-wall action (“Carmilla, the Vampire Queen”), and finally to larger-than-life epic grandeur (“Lesbian Vampire Killers”). And it’s very entertaining in all of these respects, making for a consistently thrilling album.

Debbie Wiseman

Yet one major obstacle keeps all of this from reaching the heights of Wiseman’s best work, and that obstacle is familiarity. Now it’s not my place to guess at a score’s temp tracking history. I wasn’t around for the spotting sessions of Lesbian Vampire Hunters and I can’t read Wiseman’s mind. But for reasons either intentional or coincidental, her main theme is extremely similar to Danny Elfman’s theme to Sleepy Hollow. It begins with the same four notes, and it’s frequently set in an unshakably similar arrangement for seductive alto-vocalist and orchestra (“At the Old Mircalla Cottage”). As if that weren’t enough, one also can’t shake the sensation that one action theme is overwhelmingly similar to one from Alan Silvestri’s Van Helsing (“Vampires? Lesbian Vampires!”). Now make no mistake – regardless of the origins of any of these ideas, she takes everything in directions that are unique to her own sensibilities as a composer. This never comes across as a lazy temp-track patchwork and never loses the personality that Wiseman brings to every score. Nevertheless, once you recognize the similarities to other similarly-themed scores, it’s hard not to get distracted. Perhaps for that reason, Lesbian Vampire Hunters never reaches the same sublime heights of Arsene Lupin and Haunted.

Whether any of this gets in the way of your enjoyment of the music is another story. Regardless of its origins, Lesbian Vampire Hunters is a crackerjack way to spend 53 minutes. Is it as badass as its title suggests? Well no, that would be impossible (um, hello, Lesbian Vampire Hunters?). But the score is bold, fun, and unabashedly over-the-top in a manner that’s become increasingly rare. Yeah, you may need to employ a little selective memory when the familiar moments pop up, but overall it’s worth your mental energy.

Music Composed and Conducted by Debbie Wiseman; Performed by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra; Solo Vocals by Hayley Westenra; Label: Silva Screen Records, (SILCD1284); Availability: In-print; U.S. Release Date: April, 2009.

01. Centuries Ago… (3:13)
02. ADV_NTURE (2:03
03. At The Olde Mircalla Cottage (1:47)
04. Have You Been Hanging Out With Vicars? (2:19)
05. I know something really wrong is happening here,
but is there any chance we can just ignore it? (2:45)
06. Vampires? Lesbian Vampires! (2:57)
07. Run You Bellends! (2:50)
08. You’re A Virgin? (1:29)
09. Give Me One Last Kiss (1:09)
10. My aXe Girlfriend (1:08)
11. Full-On Lesbian Vampire Attack! (3:43)
12. The Dawn Of The Red Moon (6:07)
13. Jimmy, I Love You (1:27)
14. All Grown Up (3:11)
15. The Crypt Of Carmilla (2:06)
16. Carmilla, The Vampire Queen (3:24)
17. Whores of F***ing Hades, Prepare for F***ing Death! (2:29)
18. Lesbian Vampire Killers (5:35)
19. Lesbian Vampite Killers It Is….Let’s Ride! (1:29)
20. Under The Moon Of Love – Showaddywaddy (3:13)